Here's a peek behind the scenes at Listermann Laboratories, where we design and test all our products under the strictest conditions of scientific rigor and environmental consciousness. Our current projects include the following: Phil's Phacilitator One of a very few mechanical devices designed to aid in the relief of the after effects caused by over-imbibing. The Basic model consist of a set of handle bars with rubber grips and knee pads attached to a metal framework which is bolted to the seat mounts of a common commode. The design is such that it does not interfere with the commode's normal operation. The operator simple grasps the handle and kneels on the thick pads and proceeds as usual. The Delux Phil's Phacilitator includes a swing away head cooling sponge, tissue dispenser and finger tip operated fan. Also included on the flip side of the spunge is a writing surface with preprinted forms that you can sign swearing that you will never do this again. Alternativly the surface can hold a map to help you get back to bed. Phil's Phritterer Sure, you've frittered away your time before, but never with this much precision! Our new super-accurate atomic hourglass will enable you to time your mash and boil down to the split nanosecond, even without electricity (heck, even without daylight). This "glow in the dark" hourglass is filled with your choice of either uranium or cesium sand. Both models come with complete setting instructions. Suggested retail price is $23,458.89 in finer homebrew stores everywhere. Phil's Phlogger Ever have a brewing buddy who just didn't pay enough attention? Does your assistant's mind wander while you supervise the brew? Have you ever seen your helper slap his or her forehead in dismay when you asked how much Irish moss he pitched, just as you're ready to pitch the yeast? If any of these situations has happened to you, then you clearly have a need for Phil's Phlogger, a genuine horsehide cat-o'-nine-hop-bines whip that you can use with wonderful effect to guarantee the complete attention and loyalty of your brewing assistant. After only a few applications of Phil's Phlogger, you'll never again have to worry about whether your helper is paying attention to his job instead of guzzling your homebrew.